I'm just sitting here, being bored again. As usual. I really don't even know why Im writing but I guess I sort of feel like maybe I should get back into it a little bit.

Recently, I've been a lot happier. Naturally, a person is responsible for this change. I signed up for this weird website, called, myyearbook.com and well this guy started talking to me. I've grown quite fond of him this past week. He told me that hes spent more time online this past week than he has in the past three years. Just to talk to me. I was so inexcusably flattered I blushed and giggled like a little girl. I don't think anyone has made me smile and laugh that much in a long time. He's really sweet. He even asks how my son is doing. And then says how awesome everything is thats happening with him. Of course my insecurities have to get in the way and ruin everything. Im scared that when he meets me hes not going to like me anymore because Im not a size 5. I still have a bunch of weight to lose from my pregnancy. I guess I should start getting motivated so I dont have to worry about that anymore. But at the same time, I dont want to have to lose weight for some guy. Such a confliction.

I've been listening to Rob Thomas - Ever the Same a lot lately. And it just makes my heart swell. I really want to find someone that will feel that way about me someday. I really just love the song to pieces. I heard it the first time like 3-5 years ago, and wrote it down in a little book, but havent heard it since. So then I bought it on iTunes a few days ago, and I'm such a stupid romantic that now I want it to have some meaning from someone else, directed at me. Ugh, now I feel stupid. How can someone feel stupid about whats in their own journal? Maybe its because other people can read it! XD Thats a good reason, haha. I have all kinds of silly little romantic fantasies, along with not so conventional ones. Like, well...Ive always wanted to have sex in a morgue. Not just a re-creation of one, but a REAL one. With dead bodies everywhere and shit. Thats quite unconventional I think. But then the more romantic side of me wants to be kissed in a rain storm. Thats the biggest one I think. I've had that one for a long time. Theres so few opportunities here in Tucson, since it hardly rains, that whenever it does. Im like, damn. And I dont have anyone to kiss. What a shame.

GAH! Im dropping peanuts everywhere! You would think I was drunk or nervous or something, just sitting here typing and listening to music. Last night I thought my batteries died in my player because it wouldnt start playing the CD again, and then it turns out the werent really DEAD! GAH! Its doing it again! What the HELL! It played through the whole CD and then wont play again claiming low battery. Piece of shit! If I could I would just kick it! But then that wouldnt really help me in the future would it? It being broken. It would cost more money to buy a new player than it would batteries. But it really sucks having to sit here in silence, eating my peanuts, talking to some weird people. I dont even want to eat these peanuts. The salt is getting all over my fingers, and then I rub them on my shirt, and I dont want salt on my shirt. They dont even really taste that good to me. So Im not eating them anymore. Now I think I want some milk. Whats weird, is that when I eat peanuts, I dont want them to taste like peanut butter. Theres something wrong with that. If I wanted peanut butter, Id eat peanut butter! Seriously people!

I feel so drained but I dont want to go to sleep. I know that when I go lay down, I wont be able to stop thinking and wont be able to get comfortable, will feel lonely and want someone to talk to, and then just read until 3 AM. But I cant do that tonight anyway. I have to wake up early tomorrow. I guess theres a lot to do tomorrow. We get to go to Costco. The best thing about Costco, is the samples! ^_^ I love the free samples. Hmm...Im tired. I think I'll just go lay down. *yawn*

<3

~Ash